How we avoid our feelings in conflict

I’ve been thinking a lot about victimhood lately and I can transform a mindset of grievance (plenty to be angry about!) into something more compassionate and healing.

Have you heard about the “drama triangle”? The idea is that in conflict anyone can assume the role of persecutor, victim, or rescuer (trying to save / fix the others).

It happens all the time. It doesn’t matter if the conflict is one-on-one or between you and the world or the government or society or religion or the person your mom was 30 years ago. Or if it’s between you and your own past or future selves.

It’s so easy to get pulled into defensiveness and become the victim, to feel upset by victimhood and become the persecutor, or to feel unsettled by all of it and try to rescue or fawn.

I have been all three in quick succession! I’ve entered the triangle with politicians and pundits who profit from anger and division, probably more times than I can count.

One way out of the triangle is to ask, what is it that I’m trying to feel here, or avoiding feeling, or projecting onto someone else by taking on this role in conflict? That’s something we have remarkably failed to do as a society over the last decade. (Look closely, can you see my victim anger starting to peek out in the massive generalization in the previous sentence?).

Carl Jung may have said, “The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others.”

All the forces within the triangle wrongly believe their agency will come from controlling the others. The persecutor only “wins” if they convince the victim of their victimhood. Anyone who has had to deal with a schoolyard bully, or who has been a bully, knows the whole thing is a farce. When we stop projecting our shadow onto others, we have the opportunity to confront and embrace our shadow. And that’s where some really deep healing happens.

Healing doesn’t have to happen by disengaging with others. People can heal relationally. But it does require disengaging from the triangle.

This is tender work. And when moving big feelings like rage, it is so tempting to act on it. But feeling is action. Because on the other side of that rage there is more clarity, more agency. I have felt it and it’s remarkable.

Some leaders weaponize the triangle. But those I most admire transform it into agency and accountability, compassion and love. That’s what makes them so “dangerous” (powerful).

I want to share one of my favorite videos of the year, an incredible coaching session with Joe Hudson showing someone exiting the drama triangle and moving rage. And showing how rage and love ultimately come from the same source.